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I'm sure you've gotten tons of questions regarding the Sept. 11 attacks, and here's one
more. It's about how the attacks have supposedly brought couples closer together, and
how some have even decided to marry because of it. My question is, how "real" an effect
can these attacks have on a relationship, all else being equal? That is, if a relationship
wasn't all that great before Sept. 11, could the tragedies really produce a genuine, lasting,
positive change, so two people who may not have been "right" for each other long-term
suddenly BECOME "right" for each other? Or is this just a temporary, delusional effect?
If two people aren't right for each other, wouldn't that fact emerge eventually, after the
pain and trauma started to subside?
My reason for asking is a bit selfish. A guy who was really interested in me for a long
time eventually started seeing someone else (who he didn't like as much as me, but she
responded to him positively) a few months before the attacks. I regretted not having
responded to him, and was considering maybe telling him how I felt. But then the attacks
happened, and we haven't contacted each other since. I'm worried that whatever chance
existed for us was ruined by the attacks, because it brought him and his new girlfriend
much closer than maybe they would have been. And right now, I'm feeling depressed
and a lot lonelier than I did before the attacks, and am regretting a lot more not having
given him a chance (I didn't feel ready for a relationship back then, but I do now, and I
miss him).
Please help.
— Feeling Alone After September 11
Dear Feeling Alone After September 11,
Your question doesn't seem selfish. What you have expressed quite eloquently are
feelings that many other people are having, too. There does seem to be a phenomenon
during times of great uncertainty (e.g., wars, natural disasters, terrorist attacks) wherein
people feel compelled to connect with others, particularly in a romantic or sexual way.
Sometimes the desire runs deep, and people want to have heart-to-heart conversations,
cry together, or spend lots and lots of time together. Sometimes there's a great sense of
urgency, such as when those in the military rush to get married before leaving on a
mission. Sometimes it's to be with people we know well and know we can depend on,
and other times it's comforting to be with strangers — at candlelight vigils and benefit
concerts, or even in bed. In fact, psychologists and pop culture aficionados alike have
reported an increase in what they call "disaster sex" — situations when people experience
things that are scary and, feeling more aware of their mortality, run right out to have sex
with whomever they can, and seem to prefer doing so with men and/or women with
whom they are not really connected.
Not meaning to insinuate that you have racy, libidinous desires only for the guy you
speak of, though. Right now, lots of us fear the unknown, and want to be surrounded by
people who care for us. In our mind's eye, we hope that a romantic partner will:
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